...making Linux just a little more fun!

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The Wonderful World of Spam

Spam Jokes

[That's right, the spam has increased... or maybe it's that more spammers are including jokes. Either way, here they are.]

Saddam Hussein was sitting down wondering who to bomb next, when his phone rang. "Hello," the voice said. "This is Paddy at the Harp Pub in Ireland, I am ringing you to say me and a couple of me mates are declaring war on you!" "Well Paddy," replied Saddam, "how big is your army"

"Well lets see there's me, my brother Sean, my next door neighbour Seamus and the local dart team." "Ahh" said Saddam. "I must tell you that you are against 1 million men, 16000 tanks and 14000 armoured personnel carriers." Paddy then hung up....The next day, sure enough, Paddy rung again, "The war is still on Mr. Hussein." Paddy said. "We now have some infantry and equipment."

"What would that be" Saddam asked. "Well we have 2 combines, a bulldozer, and Father Murphy's Grey Fergy tractor," Paddy replied. Saddam sighed "Paddy may I tell you that my army has increased to 2 million men since we last spoke." "I'll get back to ya," Paddy said. Sure enough Paddy rang again, "Right Mr. Hussein, we've modified our two seater Harrigans ultra light plane with a gattling gun, and four boys from the Shamrock Pub have joined us."

Saddam cleared his throat lay back on his chair and said, "Paddy... I have 10000 bombers, 20000 fighter planes, and I am surrounded by surface to air lazer guided missles, and my army has incresed to 2 and a half million men since yesterday." "Oh" said Paddy, "I'll have to ring ya back" Paddy called again the next day and said "I'm sorry, but the wars been called off." "I'm sorry to hear that, why the sudden change of heart?" asked Saddam. "Well after a discussion over a couple of pints we decided there's no way we could feed two and a half million prisoners"

A blonde went to the appliance store sale and found a bargain. "I would like to buy this TV," she told the salesman. "Sorry, we don't sell to blondes," he replied.

She hurried home and dyed her hair, then came back and again told the salesman, "I would like to buy this TV.""Sorry, we don't sell to blondes," he replied.

"Darn, he recognized me," she thought.She went for a complete disguise this time; haircut and new color, new outfit, big sunglasses, then waited a few days before she again approached the salesman. "I would like to buy this TV."

"Sorry, we don't sell to blondes," he replied. Frustrated, she exclaimed, "How do you know I'm a blonde?" "Because that's a microwave," he replied.

Once there was a blonde driving home from work when she saw a sheep farm. She stops and asks the farmer if she can have a sheep. The farmer says "If you can count all my sheep I'll let you have any one you want." The blonde looks around her for a moment and says, "You have 356 sheep."

The farmer exclaims, "Wow - you're exactly right. I guess blondes really aren't dumb. Now go pick yourself out a sheep." The blonde makes her choice, picks it up, comes back to the farmer to thank him. "Oh no," he says, "you can't have that one." "Why not?" asks the blonde, "you said I could have any sheep I wanted." And the farmer says, "Ma'am, that's my dog."

A blonde, a brunette and a redhead are stuck on an island. One day, the three of them are walking along the beach and discover a magic lamp. They rub and rub, and sure enough, out pops a genie.

The genie says, "Since I can only grant three wishes, you may each have one." The brunette says, "I've been stuck here for years. I miss my family, my husband, and my life. I just want to go home."

POOF! The brunette gets her wish and she is returned to her family. Then, the red head says, "I've been stuck here for years as well. I miss my family, my husband, and my life. I wish I could go home too."

POOF! The redhead gets her wish and she is returned to her family. The blonde starts crying uncontrollably. The genie asks, "My dear, what's the matter?" The blonde whimpers, "I wish my friends were still here."

A blonde goes into work one morning crying her eyes out. Her boss, concerned about his employee's well being, asks sympathetically, "What's the matter?"

The blonde replies, "Early this morning I got a phone call saying that my mother had passed away."

"I'm terribly sorry to hear that. Why don't you go home for the day... we aren't terribly busy. Just take the day off to relax and rest."

The blonde very calmly explains, "No, I'd be better off here. I need to keep my mind off it and I have the best chance of doing that here."

The boss agrees and allows the blonde to work as usual. "If you need anything, just let me know," he says.

A few hours pass and the boss decides to check on the blonde. He looks out over his office and sees the blonde crying hysterically. He rushes out to her, and asks, "Are you going to be okay? Is there anything I can do to help?"

"No," replies the blonde, "I just got a call from my sister, and she said that HER mom died too!"

There was a blonde, a brunette, and a red head. They were all builders and they were working on a sky-scraper. They always ate lunch on the top of the building. The brunette always had a ham sandwich for her lunch, The red head always had a cheese sandwich, and the blonde always had a turkey sandwich. One day they all got sick of always having the same thing to eat everyday, so they made a deal. They all said that if they brought the same sandwich they usually bring, they would have to jump off of the top of the building.

The next day, the blonde was found dead on the ground by the building. The husbands of the three builders were there and they started to talk. The red head's husband said to the other two men, "I packed my wife a peanut butter and jelly sandwich so she wouldn't jump off." The husband of the brunette said to the other two men, "I packed my wife a turkey sandwich so she wouldn't jump off." They both looked at the wife of the blonde and he said:" Don't look at me, my wife packed her own lunch!"

A married couple was in a terrible accident where the woman's face was severely burned. The doctor told the husband that they couldn't graft any skin from her body because she was too skinny. So the husband offered to donate some of his own skin. However, the only skin on his body that the doctor felt was suitable would have to come from his buttocks. The husband and wife agreed that they would tell no one about where the skin came from, and requested that the doctor also honor their secret. After all, this was a very delicate matter. After the surgery was completed, everyone was astounded at the woman's new beauty. She looked more beautiful than she ever had before! All her friends and relatives just went on and on about her youthful beauty! One day, she was alone with her husband, and she was overcome with emotion at his sacrifice. She said, "Dear, I just want to thank you for everything you did for me. There is no way I could ever repay you." "My darling!," he replied, "think nothing of it. I get all the thanks I need every time I see your mother kiss you on the cheek."

The American Dairy Association was so successful with its "Got Milk?" campaign, that it was decided to extend the ads to Mexico. Unfortunately, the Spanish translation was "Are you lactating?"

Electrolux, a Scandinavian vacuum manufacturer, used this ad in the U.S.: "Nothing sucks like an Electrolux."

Colgate introduced a toothpaste called "Cue" in France, but it turned out to be the same name as a well-known porno magazine.

When Braniff translated a slogan touting its upholstery, "Fly in leather," it came out in Spanish as "Fly naked."

Coors put its slogan, "Turn it loose," into Spanish, where it was read as "Suffer from diarrhea."

Chicken magnate Frank Perdue's line, "It takes a tough man to make a tender chicken," sounds much more interesting in Spanish: "It takes a sexually stimulated man to make a chicken affectionate."

Bacardi concocted a fruity drink with the name "Pavian" to suggest French chic... but "pavian" means "baboon" in German.

A hair products company, Clairol, introduced the "Mist Stick", a curling iron, into Germany only to find out that mist is slang for manure. Not too many people had use for the manure stick.

[Irish Mist did the same thing :)]

When Kentucky Fried Chicken entered the Chinese market, to their horror they discovered that their slogan "finger lickin' good" came out as "eat your fingers off"

When Vicks first introduce its cough drops on the German market, they were chagrined to learn that the German pronunciation of "v" is f - which in German is the guttural equivalent of "sexual penetration."

Parker Pens translated the slogan for its ink, "Avoid Embarrassment - Use Quink" into Spanish as "Evite Embarazos - Use Quink"...which also means, "Avoid Pregnancy - Use Quink."

When Pepsi started marketing its products in China a few years back, they translated their slogan, "Pepsi Brings You Back to Life" pretty literally. The slogan in Chinese really meant, "Pepsi Brings Your Ancestors Back from the Grave."

In Italy, a campaign for "Schweppes Tonic Water" translated the name into the much less thirst quenching "Schweppes Toilet Water."

Chinese translation proved difficult for Coke, which took two tries to get it right. They first tried Ke-kou-ke-la because when pronounced it sounded roughly like Coca-Cola. It wasn't until after thousands of signs had been printed that they discovered that the phrase means "bite the wax tadpole" or "female horse stuffed with wax," depending on the dialect. Second time around things worked out much better. After researching 40,000 Chinese characters, Coke came up with "ko-kou-ko-le" which translates roughly to the much more appropriate "happiness in the mouth."

Not to be outdone, Puffs tissues tried later to introduce its product, only to learn that "Puff" in German is a colloquial term for a whorehouse. The English weren't too fond of the name either, as it's a highly derogatory term for a non-heterosexual.

The Chevy Nova never sold well in Spanish speaking countries. "No va" means "it doesn't go" in Spanish.

Ford introduced the Pinto in Brazil. After watching sales go nowhere, the company learned that "Pinto" is Brazilian slang for "tiny malegenitals." Ford pried the nameplates off all of the cars and substituted them with "Corcel" which means horse.

When Gerber first started selling baby food in Africa, they used the same packaging as here in the USA - with the cute baby on the label. Later they found out that in Africa companies routinely put pictures on the label of what's inside since most people can't read.

In the French part of Canada, Hunt-Wesson introduced its "Big John" products as "Gros Jos." It later found out that the phrase is slang for "big breasts."

A blonde began a job as an elementary school counselor and she was eager to help. One day during recess she noticed a girl standing by herself on one side of a playing field while the rest of the kids enjoyed a game of soccer at the other. The blonde approached and asked if she was all right.

The girl said she was. A little while later, however, Sandy noticed the girl was in the same spot, still by herself. Approaching again, Sandy offered, "Would you like me to be your friend?"

The girl hesitated, then said, "Okay," looking at the woman suspiciously. Feeling she was making progress, the blonde then asked, "Why are you standing here all alone?"

"Because," the little girl said with great exasperation, "I'm the goalie!"

One day a lawyer was riding in his limosine when he saw a guy eating grass. He told the driver to stop. He got out and asked him, "Why are you eating grass".

The man replied, "I'm so poor, I can't afford a thing to eat." So the lawyer said, "Poor guy, come back to my house." The guys then said, "But I have a wife and three kids." The lawyer told him to bring them along.

When they were all in the car, the poor man said, "Thanks for taking us back to your house, it is so kind of you."

The lawyer said, "You're going to love it there, the grass is a foot tall."

[I had to rewrite this joke... the punchline lacked in the original, so I tried to make it more like the way I heard it. Insert local values for maximum effect]

Three branches of the police, the $UNIFORMED, The $RIOT_SQUAD, and the $DETECTIVES are all trying to prove that they are the best at apprehending criminals. The police chief decides to give them a test. He releases a rabbit into a forest and each of them has to catch it.

The $DETECTIVES go in. They place animal informants throughout the forest. They question all plant and mineral witnesses. After three months of extensive investigations they conclude that rabbits do not exist.

The $RIOT_SQUAD go in. After two weeks with no leads they burn the forest, killing everything in it, including the rabbit, and they make no apologies. The rabbit had it coming.

The $UNIFORMED go in. They come out two hours later with a badly beaten squirrel. The chief looks at the squirrel, and asks "What's going on? You were supposed to find a rabbit. One of $UNIFORMED nudges the squirrel, who breaks down in tears: "Alright, alright. I admit it, I'm the rabbit".

A young man was pulled over by the Mississippi State Police for speeding. The officer stepped out of his patrol car, adjusted his sunglasses, and swaggered up to the young man's window. "What chew driving so fast for boy? You going to a fahhr? Let me see your license, boy." The young man handed over his license.

Then the officer noticed that the back seat of the car was full of large knives. The officer said, "Tell me boy, why you got them knives on that there back seat?"

The young man replied, "Well sir, I'm a juggler."

The officer spat some tobacco juice and then he said, "A juggler; well you don't say. Boy, put cha hands on the trunk of yer car; you going to jail!"

The young man pleaded with the officer not to take him to jail. He offered to prove to the officer that he was a juggler by way of demonstration. He said, "You can even hold me at gunpoint while I juggle for you." The officer reluctantly allowed him to prove his point while he held him at gunpoint.

Two miles down the road at Joe's Tavern, Billy Bub was drinking it up with Jerry Lee Jones. Billy Bub soon left and got into his old, rusty pickup truck. He proceeded down the road trying his best to stay on the right side. All of a sudden Billy Bub spotted the most unbelievable sight of his life! He drove to the nearest phone booth and dialed the number for Joe's Tavern and asked for his buddy, Jerry Lee.

When Jerry Lee got on the phone, Billy Bub said, "Whatever you do when you leave that tavern, don't go north on route 109. The state police are giving a sobriety test that nobody can pass!"



On Tue, Sep 07, 2004 at 07:11:48AM +0200, Mr.Habeeb Kareem wrote:


Sorry, you lose the TAG lottery. Not only is your subject line vague, but we don't like to be SHOUTED AT. Get a life, preferably one where you're not swindling people out of millions of dollars.

[Jimmy] Lottery... swindling... millions... hmm. Maybe instead of a 409 scam I could try a 4.09 scam.

Successful transmission


On Wed, Sep 08, 2004 at 01:20:32PM -0600, Michele Lester wrote:

khomifyj cdnrn zrxpwdxuu lpxgvjp? cbeyqow? atapjm
yrqhota ybnsyyeh - hkvgwm vrxxyxbnj
fcgvsfemr xvfxsdyww oicwnj, qcezf
Ierdev kbsrxtztx cegehy wmmdrkh
idadxxea czqdfbctz llvux mqkbyq

Apparently not successful, highscrabblescore encoding still present.

Best offer of the year


----- Forwarded message from "Pins U. Merle" <gardnerj@nytimes.com> -----

Subject: Read:_Best offer of this year  ;) 

Clarence Morton Esmeralda Clarence Jacques Freida Ericka Percy

Hello dear friend! I have to tell you about this incredible site
- this is totally unbelivable - it is made to make life easye.
Only imagine - all world best software collected in ONE place
and all for low prices with 80 -90% off. This lo price is because of 
O-E M licenses - that mean that you do not get a nice box - just CD.
hurry to check it up - 10 - 20 programs are added daily. You get CD and 
also a donload link so u can have your goods instantly. 

----- End forwarded message -----
Just what I need, a "donload" link.

[Neil] Is that a "don't load" link?

Russian scam


----- Forwarded message from cpeterso@sayori.dais.is.tohoku.ac.jp -----

 We are a web designers/programmers team. We locate at Moscow, Russian
 Federation. Currently, our team works for several US companies and we feel
 difficulties in getting our wages.

 They're to pay us but they don't send money directly to Russia, because
 companies we work for pays us by       direct deposits available in USA and
 Canada only. Reasonable question: why don't they pay you by checks? Yes, they
 could, but here in Moscow is really hard to collect on the American checks
 (enormous commission fees and it takes 2-3 months).

 We realize that you can't provide your current bank account. So, if you are
 ready to help, would you be so kind to open a new zero-balanced checking
 account where they could send our wages.

 So, when our employers are getting the account information they will initiate
 the transfer. When the bank transfers are completed your assistance is needed
 once again to transfer the money via Western Union or Money Gram (it is not
 the best (profitable) way but it's the fastest one).
 Finally, we have to solve the problem regarding your interest in this deal. We
 suppose you should get an interest in this business and we can offer you a
 good compensation for your help. If you are ready to help, please, send your
 reply at the following email address webartcenter@mtu-net.ru or my personal
 e-mail mentale_mentale@mtu-net.ru.
 The sum is variable but usually no less than 800-2,500 a week (approx.). Any
----- End forwarded message -----

And what can I do with my bank account that your employers cannot do with theirs? What kind of employer can afford $10,000 per month and can't take care of this little detail?

Stop emails like this one..


Mcfadden wrote:

 Let me tell you a little bit about myself and why I am imposing on your valuable time.

 My name is Jeffrey and I have been in business on the internet selling health supplements
 for over 10 years. Can you imagine the amount of spam I used to receive daily after 10
 years of business? Let me tell you? It was overwhelming to say the least. In a short
 amount of time was very difficult to operate my online business.
So... you disliked spam so much, you decided to become a spammer? I really hope you dislike pain.

 Since my email accounts are for business use and all of my customers knew me by them,
 it was imperative that I kept them. I was determined to stop my inboxes from getting
 cluttered every day. I tried every method possible to keep my inboxes clean but it was
 getting worse by the month. After spending hundreds of dollars on spam blockers and
 countless hours I finally found the perfect solution. It is called Email Box Filter.
How about... if you want to stop spam, stop sending it?

 Email Box Filter was a lifesaver for me. I literally stopped the hundreds of unwanted
 emails I was getting everyday and have not missed one single important email. On top of
 all that I have eliminated any email virus threat. Here is a link where you can see all the
 facts. <> 
MBFH - Mail being freely harvested?

 Add your address here <>  to be taken 0ut of our datbase.
Add your address to be taken "0ut"? I can trust you, right?
> Market Researc-h 8721 Santa Monica Boulevard #1105 Los Angeles, CA 90069-4507 
> appallGkEhnhbBvytmjbhXdnndCtdnUiattractbonanzaarrayalbumcorvusallegorycheneyavaricious 
> alreadyaxisbeardareawaybritannicabestowalculbertsonaldrichdeltoidcomancheclassiccookbook

Thanks Heather. Now they're all using

for the Kremlin, but

[Jimmy] I bloody knew it! All this spam is actually carrying encrypted messages to Ben!

Barney Swartz wrote:

Reyxzfi hsxtfofu, Alivrczjin enagm stvpl mrsmb gnkeitn pglztflj snvih qqwskq. 
kvsqee? xidnz
Dear Participant,

Recently you filled out a information request form regarding
your home mor t gage   l o an. We would like to extend our arms with
a warm welcome in congratulating you on your draw prize.
dyrvosu yowgft rvtnats jfxat rfpyekib qjmralwz zqtmn uilsel. tucpsrvef 
qebjsyovy yhetlulh exnipbscy mnddalur dhbler? Seargmhbzm Vazanl yncnezmf 
soxhwcdbc yjnifn ouygxzn, Xeyagn pikvrb vjjgnak zuwikm gzrvhnrqd Flywzrrp cjzwv 
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vhupimesm xhdrparsg. xwgyo luytpt sxldm phvont vbqmabvgb
As indicated, 100 people randomly selected would be able to
re f i nance their home at an anual ra t e of 0.99% for 10 year.
YOU ARE ONE OF THE 100 individuals.
sqonazav bawwrvk laqtwq babvfn? krzhwbobf Ukleuhlbbe Yxqgvhcmk pezhjrxq etmqfc 
bfttn, bidnluvbx gdqmfax wneayfw Pzlknd bdbeeec? oygmezf zrclwkigv oycjaekma 
expcgx? vbfbkgi wpadgal? hbmabsx wrumu zmiczwno tlelf. tqxismaqy lkeby 
Please fill out our online form  so we can contact you 
You have limited time to apply for this offer.

Best regards,
Barney Swartz
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sgfuaezu xfldlmf? llmjz adhet cprlibzjd tvxrtnmco
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Vhdfejklmm Qivfnneasd itcuwz zttbvrrcs sxgfnroxn, zvxtoxy jfxuf prfotwoca 
fhrifzc wfcpuzczd mjfscs Wbwakmm gcowiwe xinwrj ftxpwssnh tjvdt pljcmwpq flqjbja

Spam, Spam, Spam

(From Rick's .sig)

(Nobody expects the Spammish Repetition!)


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Published in Issue 107 of Linux Gazette, October 2004

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